The last few days I have hit the wall. I am tired(restless nights), I am worn out. I am losing meaning. Our friends baby died last week, we have two sick babies and sick little boy(unrelated to the babies death), we are always short of money, and have endless work to be done. Where is the joy? I remember "the joy of the Lord is my strength"..where is my joy? I don't want to just survive...I want to thrive in this life.
I was recently at a conference and a speaker spoke on this topic. He listed characteristics from his observation of people who always seem to have a joy of the Lord. As I looked at the list a few things jumped out at me, one said "always repenting". They would continually be made aware by the Lord of an area or attitude in their life that they needed to repent of. A life style, not an event. Now that I feel myself slipping into depression...I was/am crying out to the Lord and this came jumping back into my mind. I realized that I haven't repented to the Lord of much in a long time. It made me realize the closeness level of my relationship with Him was not that great. I have gotten myself busy with accomplishing tasks, tackling mini-crisis's and when those were done, I would pursue my own distractions and entertainment. It wasn't like I haven't been talking to Him. I needed this...I thanked for that...and occasionally asked for directions. But that is when I realized I have not just spent time with Him. Matthew 6:5-8
Later I came into the living room. My 4 year old boy was playing Wii. "Daddy can you help me get past this part. Then I will do the rest myself". It hit me like a lightning rod. I new the Lord was showing me that I was just doing everything myself. Only when I got stuck with frustration or not knowing what to do, is when I would talk to Him. Right then and there I knew I needed to repent. After helping my son I went back to pray again.
Now the realities of life has not allow me to be completely free of my sad feelings but there is renewed hope in the Lord. The heavy wet blanket of depression is lifting, and I can begin to logically process things rather than the emotion driven dictation of depression. Also My heart has a a broken tenderness to it. The Lord has taken my growing heart of stone, and given me a tender heart of flesh again. Which is scary for me.